How to be a Christian on the Internet

The internet is a jungle. A peep into the comments section of a lot of articles reveals this truth. One politically incorrect sentence and you’re in no man’s land, fighting for your honour and name. Many people have developed headaches because of this, and Christians are often victims. The internet is not the place for fragile people, that is why I have written a few things that should help the Christian who wants to be a netizen. Please read and read again, because this might be the only thing that stands between you and internet-argument-induced migraines.

The internet is not the place for fragile people | Image via flckr by Kate Tar Haar
The internet is not the place for fragile people | Image via flckr by Kate Tar Haar

Don’t be a Christian at all

I’m not asking to you to abandon faith, all I ask is that you keep it off social media. Any other thing you are can be shared freely on social media–we want to see feminists, humanists, activists, atheists (I hope the public knows this is a religion too)–anything but being a Christian. Don’t tell us how wonderful it feels to be saved, don’t remind us that there are things that transcend logic and reasoning. We are fine the way we are. Just be a cool dude or babe that doesn’t provoke anyone. But if you want to be pig-headed and still insist on updating your religious views on the internet, the least you can do is follow the steps below. They are for your own good and sanity.

Accept that you are dumb

People will assume you are dumb and let’s face it your case is not defensible. You don’t need Richard Dawkins shouting on you to realise believing a God who may/may not exist, sent a son who may/may not be God to die for sins you may/ may not have committed, so you can make it to an heaven that may/may not exist, is folly. Accepting will help you to put insults that will be thrown at you into perspective. You will fight less and be immune from headaches.

Grow/borrow a thick skin

Nigerian Christians have become the crutch for lazy satirists and uninventive comedians. Throw a Christian joke and laughter or Lols is assured. If I were the president of  Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), I would have found a way to collect some form of royalty from the comedy industry for how helpful Christians have been to their hustle. When you hear these jokes, be cool and just smile with the rest of us. Don’t start a rant attempting to debunk whatever sarcastic comment is made. Just go into your closet and direct your murmurs to your master who asked you to turn the other cheek.

Don’t Preach

Leave preaching for Lagos bus pastors. The internet is a place of enlightenment and we therefore need no reminders of the wretched state of humanity. We are fine just the way we are. Noise about the implications of sin and the need for a saviour is humbug. If you bring such drivel into our personal space, we will block you and report you as spam. Most of you that have never ventured beyond Say Amen Facebook and Jesus Twitter will not understand this, but the internet is not your lectern. Preaching here is reserved for feminists, naturalistas and public affairs commentators. As for those of you who do click bait–that thing where you post something that appears normal and hide a message that blackmails the rest of us into liking or retweeting to show we love Jesus–let me be quiet before I start writing unprintable things. And if you must update something related to your faith, try to add a large Trigger Alert at the top of it so we can speed up our scrolling.

Leave preaching to bus preachers... | Image via standardmedia
Leave preaching to bus preachers… | Image via standardmedia

Never defend your pastor

This point is not sarcasm. This is not verbal irony. I’m not writing this so you can do the exact opposite. When you read about a scandal involving your church pastor, just continue to scroll. Resist the temptation to pause and defend your pastor’s honour. It is not worth it. Your faith in your pastor is not transferable–not even to the said pastor. Your pastor will mess up and when he does he will become the comic relief for citizens of the internet; this is known. Don’t try to fight it. You either join us in mocking the erring pastor or keep quiet and pray that your pastor has a good PR team, with people who are paid to have headache on his behalf. This advice is good for you, especially those of you who are susceptible to heart problems.  I repeat, don’t defend your pastors.

Finally my brethren, if you decide to disobey all of the points that have been highlighted to improve your internet experience, there is little I can do to help you. You will get angry one day and the fact that you claim to be a Christian will be used against you. You will then get more angry and end up looking like a clown. Nobody should be allowed to look like a clown.

There is, however, one thing you can do that is guaranteed to help: when you’re done with this blog post, disconnect your laptop from the internet or switch off the data access on your phone; play a song that helps your mood; bury your head in the bible and pray for the lost souls on the internet.

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11 thoughts on “How to be a Christian on the Internet

  1. Hmmmmnn…kind of gives us a better idea of what the dilenma of d servants in Jesus‘ parable was…how did those servants manage to make profit in a country where d citizens literally hated their master?
    Wisdom is profitable to direct…

    1. This is one of the questions the church needs to address properly in our time. It’s the reason I love what Lecrae and the artists on his 116 crew do. It looks safer to stay in our comfort zones and not engage the culture, but there is little we would be able to do with that.

      1. I just had to comment when I saw Lecrea and 116. Super awesome people.
        I discovered Beautiful Eulogy recently. Go find them if you haven’t.
        Contemporary Gospel artist have been able to achieve the transition but sadly the church is lagging behind and young people are finding other avenues that support their innovation.
        Even writing this will be seen as a sin amongs some Christians folks. The world is running away and we are clinging unto the shadow of a lost world because we refused to innovate.

  2. This is the ‘safe’ approach. Christianity has never been about being safe. It has been an outrageous, loud, in-your-face, make-the-people-mad-enough-to-want-you-torn-limb-from-limb dangerous adventure..

    I’ll make a concession, though. Our God is unchanging, but people are, and you cannot successfully use the obsolete to impact the contemporary, and that is where we are laboring.

    King James’ version is pure labor for some, but there are others who feel any other version of the bible is sheer literature. Recently I read on Wired: somebody took out the whole chapter-verse demarcations from the Holy Book and rewrote in such a free-flowing style as, for example, The Fault in Our Stars.

    Kind of reminds me of The Greatest Story Ever Told.

    Does it matter what language the bible is read in, for example? This is an honest question. I do not know.

    “To catch a rat, you have to think like a rat”. The loud anachronism of Christianity and altitude-mismatch may make it difficult for people to ever see things from the Christian’s POV.

    I have made a personal commitment to God: I will not serve you the way everyone else is. No, I won’t.

    1. I find pleasure in reading Message, NIV or ESV. Never King James, the writing style hurt my eyes and ears I prefer something simple, that I can relate to. The KJV doesn’t offer me that. And sadly, some Christian believe KJV is the real Bible, all other translations are fake. Forgetting the bible wasn’t written originally in English.

  3. This post reminds me of a saying:
    “Abandon hope all ye who enter”. But if the Internet promotes free expression, and it does, I believe that includes Christians.
    The world needs hope. Trust me. If no one offers them that hope…
    By and large, your post is mostly satire. I applaud it’s use. And yes, the posts that attempt to blackmail people (any and all kinds of people) really should be given a pass.

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