Can anyone refer a chiropractor (affordable) in Lagos, please? Can they assure me said chiropractor won’t act like my (equally) affordable tailor? Will I go to the chiropractor on Monday, subject my spine to being pressed and rubbed and shifted in ways that would redefine pain, then have to wait till Friday to retrieve relief like, you know, the way my tailor always delivers his services late? Will the chiropractor also tell me my pleasure is delayed the way my tailor delayed the kaftan I was supposed to wear to my friend’s wedding because his nephew started to stool unexpectedly at night and he had to stand vigil with him in front of the toilet, holding his nose and being sorry that he couldn’t finish the kaftan as promised, effectively rendering me the odd one out at the wedding? Am I going to visit my chiropractor and still have to crawl from my desk to the kitchen counter while my fiancée ignores my distress calls because she’s twerking to Rihanna’s Work and can’t hear my voice over the sound system I bought with my (hard-earned) money? Can anyone refer a chiropractor (affordable) who will make my life better? ‘Cos, my back is killing me and my wife twerks all day and she’s about to leave my ass lying on the bed for my tailor who jogs daily past our window.
Note: This was written last year, a period when I had too much time and was reading lots of Diane Williams and Lydia Davis. It is based on a tweet by ‘P on 2/3/2016. I remember it, now, because she recently posted another tweet in that same mode of request that involves information cordoned off in brackets